I want a '57 Starfire Olds.

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell - I'll never know why!

If you're in California, and it's raining, stay home because nobody can drive in the rain. It's like it's raining frogs. They're terrified.

I talk a lot about women in my act, ’cause let’s face it – if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

I love that magazine, man – Victoria’s Secret – and it comes, like, every three hours.

The girls are beautiful in Hollywood – and enough silicon to caulk a sink.

One day in the shower, you figure it out. It’s a special day in a man’s life. I was like, ‘Oh, I found me a hobby.’

Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you’re happy, you let us touch you.

The only marriage I’ve observed for any length of time is my parents – 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, ‘Pop, 35 years – what do you hope for?’ He’s like, ‘I hope you die first.’

The human body is in constant change the minute we’re born. It’s in a constant state of decay. We’re all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.