Next time someone says, ‘Where has big government ever gotten us?’ the correct answer is ‘Mars.’

White House political adviser Karl Rove was one of Robert Novak’s sources for the 2003 disclosure of a CIA operative’s identity, according to a story published today in “Duh” magazine.

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don’t believe in evolution.

Nine months earlier, when Olivia and I were exchanging wedding vows, we made absolutely no mention of shoving enemas up each other’s asses. And yet here we are. This is what it means to love and be loved.

Let’s withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America – that’s the only way we’ll get new schools and roads.

Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let’s take a harder look at electricity and soap.

Let’s not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he’s said in public.

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress’s role.

Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue – he made Michele Bachmann for that.

We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we’re still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.