When I was five years old I fell head downward into an empty cistern and was not found until six hours later, at which time I was quietly eating dirt. The year after that I fell out of a neighbor’s barn loft. These experiences constitute an adequate preparation for a career in journalism – the equivalent of four years in college.

From tender infancy Smith has been an early riser. He sleeps so little that Morpheus barely knows him by sight. When he dreams he only has time for a synopsis. He was the first man to discover that you can cut a sleeping pill in half and enjoy a nap.

There’s such a thing as too much point on a pencil.

We believe in healthy, hearty laughter – at the expense of the whole human race, if needs be. Needs be.

We believe in healthy, hearty laughter -- at the expense of the whole human race, if needs be. Needs be.

Put it back in the horse!

Personally, I never admired communists because they operate on the theory that human beings are nice people.

Hate-on-the-highway is an institution occupying a high place in our modern civilization....The godawful glares that drivers exchange as they pass each other, the mutual hatred between motorist and pedestrian, these manifestations seem to constitute the ultimate in righteous wrath.

There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil.

Never buy anything with a handle on it. It means work.