I'm so chicken, you ain't gonna see me on the moon until I can get there in something civilized— like an elevator!

Isn't it amazing? We go all the way to the moon to pick up rocks—and here on Earth, we don't even pick up beer bottles!

If I were an astronaut, I'd be one of the backup pilots. The minute they tried to put me in a spaceship, would I back up!

Never raise your hand to your child; it leaves your midsection unprotected.

We have all kinds of pets. We have birds who specialize in singing; we have dogs who specialize in barking; we have cats who specialize in meowing, and we have turtles who specialize in dying.

I've never had any luck with pets. I once had a turtle I had to send to obedience school.

The way people pamper their pets is ridiculous. Have you heard the latest? Elevator paws for dachshunds.

My wife has come up with a very simple device to make me lose weight. It's called a food bill.

I just went on a great diet. There are only three things you can't put in your mouth— a knife, a fork, and a spoon!

Did you hear about the automobile mechanic who bought a hospital and he's making a fortune? If you bring in your wife for an operation, they give you a loaner.