I'm a very ritualistic person. I have to wash my face twice, and on the second wash before I rinse, I brush my teeth, then I rinse, then I floss, then I put on moisturizer. I'm ritualistic. Jewishness is very ritualistic.

I have no religion, but I can't escape being extremely Jewish ethnically - that is, culturally. In other words, I'm not religious, but I worry and I'm neurotic. And I'm very good with money.

I love children. I’m embarrassingly baby-crazy.

I just don’t let that mentality be a part of my world.

Why would I become involved with something that doesn’t include everyone? If you’re getting married today, it’s the equivalent of joining a country club that doesn’t allow blacks or Jews.

I didn’t feel so different until maybe, like, around third grade. Kids started blaming me for my people killing Jesus.

I learned pretty early is I never defend my material; it’s for other people to if someone is offended. It’s so subjective, and if you don’t find it funny, it’s definitely going to be offensive.

Unvisited tombstones, unread diaries, and erased video game high-score rankings are three of the most potent symbols of mankind’s pathetic and fruitless attempts at immortality.

All comics want to be musicians. There’s a part of me that wants to be a serious musician. I love songs about heartache and heartbreak.

I’m personally not into a guy who wears pedal pushers and a necklace.